I think I died a long time ago.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
