You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
third nipple confirmed
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
