Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
