Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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