My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
