I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
