Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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