Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
