Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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