you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
