apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
