I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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