so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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