In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
