make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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