they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
