its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
