if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
