i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
