I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
