I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
