Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
