Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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