I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
