Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
