Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
