I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
