tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
