Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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