Well douche your snatch and let's go!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
