If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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