ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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