I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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