I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
