Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
