Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
