One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
