Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
