got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
