Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
