Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
