I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
