yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Michael Bay diarrhea
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
