6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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