I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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