It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
