if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
