The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
