The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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