I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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